I Choose Me. Every Time.

As a person who believes deeply in community, ubuntu, the importance of connection and kinship:

Maturing and healing means that I am showing up differently in relationships of all kinds. I have better boundaries. I am more self concerned. I am doing less emotional labor where before I was okay shouldering a lot more of the load.

One day, after lots of disappointment, I decided to stop saving people from the consequences of their actions and calling it love. Constantly overextending. Unfortunately, everybody knows how to deal with this shift. Not every relationship survives this shift.

Folks got used to me playing a certain role, one that served and centered them and their needs. Every time I shape shifted and contorted and compromised went largely unnoticed and unthanked...until I said “no more”.

I am purposefully generous in how I love, because who has time for thin love? But for people who are comfortable being takers, enough is never enough.

I own my part. I allowed you to have me f***ed up. Growing up, within some of the chaos, I learned that relational success and harmony sometimes required a bit of self betrayal. Now grown, I know that not to be true. I’m now committed to writing new scripts for myself. I’m making different choices that aren’t at my expense just for the greater good.

It is wild that someone could consider me selfish simply for requesting reciprocity.

This is the reward for being the low-maintenance friend and lover. People end up resenting you for your humanity when they see you as less than or otherly.

*insert Combahee statement on being “levelly human” here*

The moment you ask for and expect reciprocity, everything collapses. I wish this was about one person in particular, but unfortunately, it’s a common thread I’ve noticed and had to address.

I am a Black woman who is both comfortable in her divinity and in her humanity.

I‘m not your superwoman. I get to fall apart. I get to hurt. I get to expect people to make space for my fullness the way that I’ve made space for theirs.

I don’t ask people for anything I haven’t first given. What I’m asking for is neither impossible nor is it too much. I won’t be made to feel selfish for finally being self concerned.

I am putting on my mask first.

Coming home to self (again and again) means a healthy level of self protection. Once you’re convinced of your value, you commit to being a better steward of self.

I am becoming more okay with disappointing people. I'm less okay with disappointing myself.

Not everyone knows what to do with that.

I'm okay with you figuring that out for yourself and not saving you from the work of self reflection by doing the processing for you.

I’m done being people's emotional mammy.

Tell a friend to tell a friend.